Asking for Too Much at the Asian Grocery Store

I watched little balls of hail hit my windshield. Tears were running down my face. I was parked in the middle of an industrial zone in Cleveland. Sometimes it hit me that I moved back to this place, and in the midst of the cold, the gray, the ice falling from the sky, it felt impossible. A voice was coming out of the small speaker on my phone, saying a million things that didn’t make sense, a million things I didn’t want to hear.

I hung up the phone and drove a couple blocks to the Asian grocery store. After I got out of the car, I looked up at the sky, as I often do when I am feeling too much. The pain shot through me and I thought, “I still have to get groceries, go get groceries.”

I caught myself in a familiar thought pattern, one that had repeated in my mind a few thousand times over the past three years. Why can’t someone sacrifice everything to be the person I want? Why won’t they just push everything aside to be with me? I wanted someone to say, “I’m going to be what you need, regardless of my pain.” I could feel the toxicity of my thoughts, the warped and neglected place they came from. As I walked past the aisle with fifty different types of soy sauce, I knew what I was asking for. I was asking for a parent. I was asking for a parent who would sacrifice themselves for my well being, who would put their own desires aside to take care of me. Asking an adult partner to do that is asking someone to betray themselves.

Frozen steam buns, big packages of fresh herbs, five different types of mochi, and tending to another part of the little girl that’s so hungry for connection. The thing that I want isn’t okay to ask someone for, and in that moment I knew it, and what followed was a wave of peace.

I often follow the most taboo thought in my head. We all have them, I don’t hold mine back. I let myself watch the victim narratives, the unnecessary rage, the whiny brat, I don’t tell myself I shouldn’t be thinking this way, I don’t shame myself for the teen and child that live within me that throw temper tantrums.

I followed the immature desire to have someone betray themselves for me, and I found its roots in my body. Another symptom of neglect, another expectation that a parent should have fulfilled, and not a romantic partner. I’m replete with those.

By the time I made it to the instant noodles, my mind was quiet. I forgave myself and that trip to the Asian grocery store fundamentally changed me.

There is the practice I do in front of my altar. The deep breaths, the slow movement, the mantras, the breathwork, the self-pleasure practices, the silent meditation—all are excellent tools. But the most profound moments of self-awareness often occur in the midst of life's challenges, while shopping for groceries or walking the dog. Life itself is a practice, and human relationships are our greatest teachers.

The practices we do alone can only take us so far, and cannot be the only part of what is done to develop awareness. We have to live and love other people, we have to let ourselves get broken open and hurt, and infuse awareness into that space. We can’t turn away from our shame, the places in ourselves we find disgusting, that’s the place, that’s the spot that will teach us.

The sadness didn’t go away, nothing was fixed, but I knew myself a little better, and that is all I want, I want to be aware enough to cause less pain, I want to be aware enough that the broken places I’ve come from don’t take over. That’s enough for me.

COVID-19: Why Changing our Habits and Routines is Hard on the Inner Child

I follow many spiritual teachers, lifestyle gurus, and bad ass witches on social media.  It is what I want to consume when I come to these platforms to share my work and wisdom.  I have seen so many of them share a plethora of positive things to do while confined at home and new habits to replace the old habits that involved leaving the house.  That is great for those of you who can easily change from one mode to the other, but for the folks that are still healing the inner child, this is very disruptive and almost impossible.

For those of you who have children or are doing or have done deep inner child work, you know that routine is the most important part of feeling secure.  Children feel safe when they know what to expect in their schedule and routine.  I discuss our family routine with my three year old probably 20x a day, it is how he is making sense of his life. 

When I was younger, I scoffed at routine.  I labeled myself as a ‘free’ person, who lived in the moment.  I didn’t plan things!  I lived spontaneously! I have to roll my eyes at that person.  Yes, I was ‘free,’ but also I was drinking a ton of alcohol to deal with the massive underlying anxiety I was experiencing all the time.  It wasn’t until I could really recognize the fear in the ‘little me’ that was begging for consistency and routine, that I could give that to myself. 

Routine puts that inner child at ease.  Knowing what to expect out of my day soothes her, calms her, and allows her feel peace so I can live my adult life in a healthy and creative way.  My deepest sense of security comes from knowing that little person inside of me is cared for. 

Many of us who have had to heal their inner child are probably experiencing really high levels of anxiety right now and are finding it really hard to make healthy choices and not fall into old coping mechanisms.  Especially those who are still in the thick of that inner child work.  I am here to say that you do not need to feel shame around this.  You do not need to feel shame when you read a list that says, “Take advantage of this time! Meditate all day, read a book, practice yoga, cook, this time should be a gift, you should be enjoying everything all the time and no matter if your routine is crumbling to the ground you should still be practicing self care and being an incredible human that does everything the healthiest and most positive way!!!”  You might not be able to cope right now.  That is ok.  You might not be able to do much at all because this has thrown you into a spiral.  That is ok.  Before I go into things that can be done that are helpful to the inner child right now, I want you to know that it is ok if you cannot do any of these things.   Sometimes the best medicine is to recognize how deep our wounds go and how debilitating they can be.  To find yourself sacred and bow down to your divinity even when you are making unhealthy choices and acting from your wounds is healing.  Let go of the idea that you need to be performing in any way in order to be divine. 

During these times, this is when my altar and my practice become very important.  When most people see my altar, they probably think, “Hey, she is into some witchy shit!” Yes I am, but also, on a practical level, my altar is a physical and real place that remains the same every single day.  So when I sit in front of it, the things I see, the smells I smell from the incense burning, the flames of the candles, all remind me that I can relax, that I am safe, that this is a consistent place that is always available to me.  The ritual of lighting the candles, saying the mantras, moving my body, these remain the same.   These things ground me and remind me that when my inner child is feeling insecure and lost, I can sit in front of some objects that look, sound, and smell familiar to me, and breathe.  The idea that what I practice and teach is ‘magical’ isn’t totally correct.  I believe in magic, there are parts that feel magical, but a lot of this work is very practical.  My altar is very practical, ritual is very practical, my practice of breathing and being silent…on a practical level these things are very helpful.  You can remove the idea of spirituality and energy and these things are still useful. 

If you are feeling ungrounded right now and highly anxious, here is what I recommend:

1.      Take some time to sit with your inner child, see if you can sit or lay quietly for awhile and find them inside of yourself.  Check in and see how they are doing. 

2.     Create a daily ritual and/or altar.  Maybe it is just lighting a candle every morning, maybe it feels right to make it more complex…recognize what you are capable of right now. 

3.     Give yourself a practice to attach to the altar and/or ritual.  Maybe that is deep breathing, sitting quietly, stretching, singing, anything works, just make it the same every day. 

The inner child needs an adult to provide consistency, routine and security.  When that is in place then we can live our best spontaneous and creative lives.  I invite you to be that adult for yourself.  I also invite you to let go of shame if you can’t be that adult right now.  These are troubling times and it is ok to allow yourself to be disrupted. 

When is being an Empath just a Coping Mechanism?

By Corissa Bragg

People calling themselves an empath has become all the rage lately, especially in new age circles.  As usual…I like to challenge a lot of these new age notions because I believe ultimately they simplify our humanity in ways that are not helpful.  And more dangerously, I find that recognizing yourself as an ‘empath’ and stopping there on the road to self growth can be really limiting.  Let’s look at what the internet is defining an empath to be, Mind Valley’s definition is of an empath is this:  “the ability to understand someone’s thoughts and feelings from their perspective instead of your own.”

Many folks out there are deeming this as a certain magical power.  It is not.  It is usually a symptom of growing up in a household where one or both parents are narcissists or abusive.  The child survives because they are able to feel and think as their parents do, helping them avoid conflict because conflict is a form of danger.  Or in the case of narcisstic parents, being different or separate or less than the parents is unacceptable.  This is a very intelligent way to cope with a traumatic childhood.  The danger is, that the self gets completely ignored, and as this child ages, the pattern gets repeated.  The child or adult now can place themselves in the shoes of everyone else, but not themselves. 

I’ve read lots of articles that claim if you are an empath, it’s tiring for you to be around people, you need to spend a lot of time alone, you carry others pain, etc… The danger of the empath label, means that these wounds do not get addressed, these wounds (because that is exactly what they are, wounds coming through as personality traits) steal time and energy and continue to be a coping mechanism to only look at others instead of looking at the self. 

This is where we have to look at the empath label as a coping mechanism.  The wounds that were given as children are not the person’s fault, but there is an opportunity in this life to grow out of these wounds.  It is important to let go of the ‘empath’ label and start addressing WHY we would rather feel the feelings of others instead of looking at our own feelings.  WHY we let others drain us instead of having good boundaries.  And here is where I do get a little new agey…I think that boundaries are not just something we need to work through emotionally but also energetically and in the body.  I do think we can unconsciously be allowing ourselves to be energetically drained, but I also reject the idea that it is just a part of who we are.

If people survived as children by ignoring themselves and tending to the emotional needs and expectations of their parents, they are most likely an empath, but it is not a permanent state.  With therapy, mindfulness, body and soul work, you can move beyond living and feeling for others and start to live and feel for yourself.  You can start to control your urges of empathy and use them for those who will give it to you in return.  You can exercise your boundaries, and this is the HARDEST work you will ever do, because it feels so cruel when you think the world needs you to be empathetic all the time.  The world needs you to know yourself and share your gifts from a place of power and autonomy.  Empathy is an important part of our human nature, but it needs to be done in a mindful way, and in a way that is in balance with the person you are.